I will still be writing here privately when I need to, but I have also started a new, public blog as a creative writing outlet.  Please visit me there as well!

http://une-canadienne-errante.blogspot.ca/

Welcome.  

Most of my old posts are protected, so this site isn’t as empty as it seems.  Blogs should be forthcoming…

Send me a message if you would like to be added to the protected list.

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Our latest chanting event – I am third from the right, and the one who comes in with the high, octave-above melody overtop the chanting, once we really get into it:

I’m not sure I’m going to write here anymore.

When I joined xanga and started writing here, it wasn’t just “to write” – I do plenty of that in my paper journal. 

When I wrote here, it was for the sense of community, the back-and-forth exchange.  It was like coming to a campfire and sitting around it with friends, talking about our lives and supporting each other.

I think xanga still is that.  It’s just that my own particular “circle” of people that I read on here keeps dwindling as people go off to blog elsewhere, so it kind of defeats my own reasons for having this site in the first place.  It makes me sad to lose this.  Yes, there are still a handful of you that are still around and who I know read & comment… but its not quite the same.  It feels strange to write for only 2 or 3 people.  Like I said, I have my paper journal for that.

I’m not leaving xanga.  It’s just that I’ve finally come to terms with the fact that this place isn’t what it used to be, for me.  That, coupled with the constant ups and downs of the tendonitis in my wrists, and I think its time I stop trying to hold on to something that is no longer.

When I left high school six and a half years ago and the few friends that I had all went off to different universities, I consoled myself by thinking that this was just temporary; for Christmas and summer we would get together, and when we were done university we would hang out all the time just like before.  When Christmases and summers started going by with each of us doing our own thing (I always waited hopefully for them to invite me to things just like the old days.  I could never do the inviting myself; didn’t know how), I thought well we are all really busy with school and they must have a lot of new friends (I passed through 6 going on 7 years of university without making a single new friend) but certainly when we’re all done our degrees and everyone moves back to Toronto it will be just like the old days.

It seems to have taken me 6 years to realize that that hasn’t happened and won’t ever actually happen. I knew that we would change and grow, but I didn’t know we would grow away from each other.  The hardest part of it is that I feel like its them that have grown away from me; that I’m still in the very same place.  When I talk to my friend Laura, for example, the only one from high school with whom I’m still in relatively close contact, we always pick up precisely where we left off, even if we haven’t spoken for 6 months.  I feel like if they were like me (ie. didn’t know how to make friends), that they wouldn’t have grown away from me and they would have still kept inviting me to fun things like they used to.  I feel like if only I knew how to do that (invite them to things), we wouldn’t have grown apart.

Well.  I did invite them to recitals and concerts, but they rarely ever came.  Which I didn’t understand… if someone I knew was giving a solo recital of something I wouldn’t want to miss that for anything!  But maybe its just because I have such a smaller circle of people, that its easier to be there for all of their moments.

I guess the point of that story was that it kind of feels the same here at xanga.  It took me such effort to share and make friends here, and it wouldn’t have happened without the reciprocal exchanges.  When people leave and go off and blog somewhere else (or not at all), or delete their sites as if they never existed, and don’t seem to mind that leaving xanga means they’re leaving the ability to keep reading me, also… well, it makes me very sad.  I know I shouldn’t take it personally and I try not to, but its hard.

I still read daily those of you who I’ve known for years, and I don’t plan on every stopping that.  I don’t always comment, but if you see my footprints there, it means I’m reading everything.

And I’ve already met 3 of you in person and spoken with even more on the phone, and I plan on meeting all of you in person at some point in my life.  I’ve always known I would travel a lot (hence, the “canadienne errante”), and I know I will make my way to all of your corners of the world eventually.

I am on Facebook, which is where I post most of my pictures nowadays, and status updates aren’t the same as blogging, but if any of you want to find me there and you haven’t yet, please message me and I will tell you where to look.

This isn’t really a goodbye, so don’t be sad… I will still be here, always reading, even if I’m not blogging much myself.

Grad school has started to take its toll on me.

Even thinking about the amount of things I have to do this year, which I should be working on all simultaneously, is causing me great anxiety.

My brain is already fried and its only mid-November.  And I have a big assignment to do over Christmas break so I won’t really have a reprieve.

I don’t know when the last time was that I read a book for pleasure.

And I miss the woods and the lake!

Okay… back to “explanations by formal argument”, or whatever it is I’m reading…

I was bathing the monkeys, and Maya says to me, very seriously, “Did you know, bathtubs could talk in the olden days?”

“Really?” I say, not paying much attention at first.

Maya: “Yeah.  They used to have a smile, and then the smile got less and less very slowly.”

Me:  “Oh!  You mean like evolution?”

Maya:  “Yeah.  The mouth got less and less and then it disappeared.”

You learn something new every day.

If there are even enough of you left out there to give advice!

As long-time readers probably know, besides being a classical singer I also write/wrote my own pieces.  I have about 14; they span the period of about 8 years.  I have not sung them for very many people; a few of them have never been heard by anyone at all.

They are all melodies and words, nothing more.  I call them little “skeletons” of songs.  I have been longing for the day when I could find instrumentalists (piano, guitar, violin, drums…) who could take my little outlines of songs and give them wings, life.

When I went to Puerto Vallarta a few years ago on Bart’s meditation retreat, I slowly became part of the group of chanters and musicians that help lead the chants.  Recently Bart & company have realized that they love chanting so much they want to offer it to the world, and they have been holding free events in Toronto where people can come and just chant with us.  We turn the chants into so much more… Laurie W. plays piano, Larry on guitar, Bridget on viola, and a handful of others that come in and out, playing tambura, harmonium, drums, etc.  And then us “shakti singers”, as Bart likes to call us.  We get together to rehearse for several weeks before each event, and we “jam”, with the chants.  It’s quite an experience.

Last night we had another “chanting practice” (lol!) and besides chanting we are also performing a song (with spiritual themes) that the group wrote together.

I have felt this way before, but especially last night during the song, with all the instrumentalists just picking music out of the air and improvising along with the song… I really felt the strong urge to join them.  Whenever I’m in a group of people “jamming”, I hear melodies.  Words.  I had to keep myself from singing the wisps I heard from the air!  But also, I felt like this would be a perfect group… especially Laurie W., Bridget, and Larry… to maybe hear the music in my own songs and make them come to life.

…

What I don’t know is if I should ask them.  I mean, I’ve known Laurie W. since the Mexico trip, and she’s accompanied me on piano before, when Bart has had me sing “Ave Maria” or some other song at one of his events.  I’ve known Bridget since we’ve started the chanting rehearsals, so about 6 months… and Larry the same.

I guess what I’m trying to express is that I don’t know the social rules in this kind of situation.  For example, if I know them well enough to ask them if they would want to do this with me.  And I don’t mean all the songs… even just one, just to try.  (And of course it would have to be one of the more recent ones, with a bit more of a spiritual text and not so much “teenage angst” in it!)

And if I did ask… well, I don’t know how I would do it so that they can say no if they didn’t want to.  I don’t want to put them in a position where they feel uncomfortable saying no to me if they’re not interested… but I also don’t want to just casually mention it, because people never really pay attention to that… Laurie H. (my friend) mentioned it to Laurie W. on my behalf (when I was around) once or twice several years ago, when I was just meeting the group, and nothing ever came of it.

So I don’t know if I should ask… and if I should, how I should do it.

updated- photos added

I’ve had a busy week.

- I was in Lansing from Tue-Thu, and met Gloria  

- Then Matt and I drove to a bed & breakfast in Ontario where we slept overnight and continued the next day on an autumn adventure through the province. 

- Saturday was my graduation ceremony from York; I officially have my degree now   Honors Bachelor of Arts, Double Major Psychology & Music.

- Pictures of all of these events are currently being uploaded to Flickr and I’ll post them here eventually.

Here are a few – most are on Facebook.  If you havent found me there yet, message me

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Matt drove home earlier this afternoon, and I went to a music healing/chanting evening with my usual chanting group. 

I love chanting… I get so lost in the music and the repetition, the ups and downs in the rhythm.  And we have a viola player that I’m just in love with.  Watching her play so intensely on her instrument is one of my favourite parts.

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I’ve been thinking lately about my moods, and how they go up and down so often, so intensely at times, and often for no real reason, or for reasons that shouldn’t really make sense.  It makes me wonder sometimes if my “emotional regulation” is forever messed up from my parents, my bout with depression, etc.  I just get into down, tired moods so often, and I wonder if it happens to “normal” people, or if I just have more mood swings than most.  I often wish I knew how to regulate myself, especially when my irrational emotions come in contact with other people.  (Matt usually gets the brunt of it, now.)  I don’t know.  I don’t want to give up my highs, which is what I feel would happen if I found a way to get rid of the intense lows.  They’re two sides of the same thing, in a way… I don’t know if one can be gotten rid of without affecting the other.

I don’t know.  I’m very tired.  It’s almost 1 am and I should be in bed.  I have class from 10:30 – 5:30 tomorrow, non-stop. 

I feel like everyone means something different when they talk about “saving the earth”.

For some it means taking care of the environmental damage we have done to the ozone, oceans, etc.  For others it means making sure animals don’t go endangered.  And yet for others it means feeding starving children, buying “fair trade”, eating local… and the list could go on.

I recently had a conversation with a friend that involved a lot of interesting ideas and prompted some difficult questions and discussions.  One thing that we didn’t get into, and that I haven’t encountered a lot of people going into, is the philosophical aspects of “saving the world”.

This isn’t meant to be comprehensive or even necessarily coherent… just a collection of some of the thoughts in my head.

Who says the world needs to be saved?  From what?  From humans, most would answer… from the damage we’ve done to it. 

But what makes some people think that we “owe” anything to the planet we live on?  Where does that sense come from?  Many people obviously do not have it, as we can see quite clearly from how we’ve polluted and used up natural resources with no thought for consequences or making amends.

Some don’t focus as much on the planet itself but rather on the people.  Feeding starving children, educating and giving medical services to the poor and sick, fighting for human rights, etc. But who is it that says we “owe” anything to the other human beings on this planet? 

These are questions that don’t have answers, when looked at from a purely philosophical point of view.  You can call on spiritual beliefs or moral beliefs or even laws to try and provide answers, but objectively, the answers do not “exist” somewhere to be found.  We make our own.   I think its important to understand this.

We try and “save” whatever we believe to be most in need of saving.  Everyone has their own cause.  None are more important than the other, even though individual people may believe that their cause is more important than all.  I think we could work together better if we didn’t spend quite so much time looking down at other people for not doing what they can to help whatever our current “cause” is.

I’m not sure if this came out clearly.

I personally believe that the world is in dire need of “saving”, and I’m painfully aware of the fact that we are leaving this earth in a disgraceful state for our children and grandchildren, not to mention all the plants and animals that have suffered unnecessarily because of us.  I’m also painfully aware that there are individual humans, everywhere, in need of food, water, clothing, shelter, medicine, education, rights, and love.  I don’t think that any one individual life is any less important than the need to “save the world”.

After all, what are we saving the world FOR?  Is it really objectively the “right” thing to do to protect the planet at the expense of the human beings who live on it, most of whom are as innocent as the proverbial polar bear on the melting iceberg?  Of course, I believe its equally “not right” to protect human beings at the expense of the rest of the creatures/life that our collective actions have harmed.

I don’t propose any answers, only speculations.  I still have so much to learn.  Everyone has different, conflicting, but equally valid ideas and thoughts about this giant problem, and I can’t really say that any one way is right over another, without knowing all the facts.

I need to blog again, really blog.

This is such a lonely space now though.

I think its time… for a change.

I don’t want to leave xanga… but almost everyone else who used to read me has.  I need a community again.

Maybe I can brighten up things in here for now.  And… I think… a name change.